I think my biggest problem lies with talking about my husband. To begin with he is so well liked by everyone. He is funny and gets along well with workmates and bosses at work. No one would believe what I put here if they read it and I'm certainly aware of that. It is why I've gone this long - I believe is is the reason I'm reticent to write. Just knowing this is inhibiting to me.
Last night I took a big step. It could be the end of my marriage…probably is. Or if he's angry enough, it might be the end of my life. At one time I would have said that was completely impossible. Now, I'm not at all sure. He becomes more & more like OJ Simpson every day.
People love him! Like OJ, he comes off as a funny, friendly guy who would do anything for anyone, including me.
And having said that, I cannot deny that he's been a very good provider. It may not be for the right reasons (more on that later) but so far, and for a lot of years I have had a beautiful home and most of my material creature comforts taken care of. I think he likes to do this because he likes the feedback he gets from others when he does it. People remarking 'what a lucky, lucky woman she is to have such a stellar guy as he is!' And how caring and loving he is to shower me with beautiful things - his image with friends and workmates would be terribly tarnished if he didn't. I have no way of knowing if this is true or not because I cannot get into his head, but I know he's constantly telling me how people feel about him and how admired and well liked he is. He knows by the impassive expression that I am afraid to say a word at these times. But let me move on…or move back a little to fill in the gaps on how I got to last night. I finally risked confronting him about being an abuser and told him I would not avoid telling people any longer. He looked at me like I was insane. He despises me and has said that more times than I care to even think about yet I know if I were to tell anyone...even hint that things weren't perfect, he'd go into his 'I love this woman more than life itself' speil.
Long before the physical abuse started there was other abuses - ones I myself didn't understand were abuses. I was just accustomed to him wanting to be totally in control of everything and that included me. I didn't understand that withholding money and controlling my life is a form of abuse. It is emotional abuse and in many ways more damaging than physical wounds which can be healed by a physician. I have tried to explain this to him for so long…I have asked him to see a therapist. I have sent him therapist and psychologists write-ups on the subject.
I have sent him articles written by psychiatrists, explaining what exactly constitutes abuse. Some have had questionnaires to do (if honest) to find out if you are in any way abusive. Not only does he fail on a lot of the questions - he almost fails them all. Yet when I asked him what that might say about him, he at first said the questionnaire was bogus, then admitted he was in fact abusive and knew it but had lots of reasons to be and didn't intend to do anything about it.
And now, whereas before it was just verbal and emotional abuse, in the last year or two, the physical abuse has started, compounding my problems.
He doesn't see himself in any of this! It is all my doing! I cause him to be the way he is.
Interestingly enough, one of the questions in the questionnaire touched on that, saying the abuser will always blame his victim for the way he is. How many times have I heard the angry words "Don't get me started, you antagonistic bitch?" Simply by asking a question like which channel a game is on or had he thought about what he'd like for dinner.
Interestingly enough, one of the questions in the questionnaire touched on that, saying the abuser will always blame his victim for the way he is. How many times have I heard the angry words "Don't get me started, you antagonistic bitch?" Simply by asking a question like which channel a game is on or had he thought about what he'd like for dinner.
Or I don't know how many times I've been accused of getting him wired when I mention a piece of news I think he'd be interested in. It doesn't take much. In fact sometimes saying nothing will get him going because then I'm accused of not talking to him.
For the most part I am alone in this. I have one brother who when I approached him on this, said he didn't want to be involved. He reminded me that I was made of tough stuff and I could handle whatever anyone threw at me. Nice compliment but untrue. And my friends are scattered about the country because as I've moved around I make friends but then have to leave them behind. The internet is a wonderful thing and I can talk with them everyday. They are very loving in providing support but it's damn hard to provoke a loving hug and just being able to touch one another. Our closer friends are his friends too, and they would never believe any of this about him. Even our GP is one of his biggest fans, feeling I'm in very good hands - little does he know those hands have broken fingers, sprained elbows and an assortment of other small injuries. Not mentioning the constant, and when I say constant I mean daily, sometimes hourly verbal abuse I get.
For the most part I am alone in this. I have one brother who when I approached him on this, said he didn't want to be involved. He reminded me that I was made of tough stuff and I could handle whatever anyone threw at me. Nice compliment but untrue. And my friends are scattered about the country because as I've moved around I make friends but then have to leave them behind. The internet is a wonderful thing and I can talk with them everyday. They are very loving in providing support but it's damn hard to provoke a loving hug and just being able to touch one another. Our closer friends are his friends too, and they would never believe any of this about him. Even our GP is one of his biggest fans, feeling I'm in very good hands - little does he know those hands have broken fingers, sprained elbows and an assortment of other small injuries. Not mentioning the constant, and when I say constant I mean daily, sometimes hourly verbal abuse I get.