Oscar night/hate night 2-26-12

The weekend, like just about every weekend before it, was filled with hopefulness (me) hate (Greg). He announced midweek that he was going to work on some long overdue house projects. Things he'd had planned and wanted to get started on. I wasn't about to even ask what they might be for fear of being accused of being antagonistic but waited to see what this project might be. He'd mentioned a number of them throughout the winter and there were the long outstanding ones still on a back burner, so I kept quiet and waited for him to be forthcoming with what it was. A hall closet revamp - good. I was happy and I was hoping this would be done with little to none screaming and fights started. My ex husband used to love to do things about the house and while he wasn't the handiest of guys, he still enjoyed learning and doing, singing and whistling. I would sit and watch, carrying on conversations and playing fetch for him. How different that was from now. But I digress...

I woke Saturday morning early to him screaming at the top of his lungs...waking me up all the way from downstairs. The cats were all in my room, two of them huddling in the quilt and not really knowing what to do - you'd think they'd be used to it but they, like me keep waiting for something to change I guess. We're the original dumb animals.

Both Saturday and Sunday afternoon there was hockey games. I felt that if our team the Penguins won, Greg would be in a good mood. I quickly found out how silly a notion that was. Not only did he not watch the Saturday game, but he hammered and screamed all the way through it so I couldn't enjoy it either. 

Sunday was a bit better because he decided to just not talk to me at all...but the screaming and cursing remained. Sunday evening when he finally did sit to (presumably) watch the Academy Awards show, he looked for any reason to snap at me or try to start a fight. Since I wasn't biting, it didn't happen but that's not to say that he didn't do everything in his power to make sure I wasn't going to enjoy the show. Name calling, telling me to shut my fucking mouth if I made a comment about a pretty dress or whatever...it really didn't matter what I said because he was just waiting like a viper to strike at anything I said. After the show was over, I went online to visit with friends and see what they thought about the winners and losers of the night. Finally a chance to speak with civil people again about trivial and fun things we enjoyed. While I was on the computer I was getting angrier and angrier thinking about what my life had come to and made a decision I hope I can see through. And while in that frame of mind, I shot off an email to Greg's work email account so he would see if first thing in the morning. It is so incredibly sad that the only way...the safest way I can talk to my husband is via email but it seems that is the way it is.

He responded first thing this morning with the same kind of answer I've gotten in the past, but with a tiny variation...he admitted he needed help again for the second time. What he doesn't seem to understand is that it's too little too late. You can't mend an amputation with a band-aid. He has managed to cut off all feelings I've ever felt for him and replaced many of them with hatred for him. I have never hated anyone in my life before. The feeling is so foreign to me I don't know how to deal with it, nor do I know what to do with it to make it go away. But for the record, here is the most recent discourse. Where I am going with all this I don't know, but for now I just need to get it all down. It seems surreal and I need to know it isn't - that I have reasons to feel the way I do.

My email sent to Greg at work --

Tonight was the last opportunity you're going to get to tell me to shut to f***  up or to f*** off & flip me the bird for asking a simple, reasonable question about anything. For that matter it's the last opportunity you'll get for any reason. All weekend long it was either silence interjected with ranting & whining...or telling me to f*** off, shut up, or remind me how much you hate my f***ing guts! I've been told by doctors to be patient & I've been patient as well as tried to be understanding.

I've actually been naive enough to think that something would change eventually. I've waited, against my own better judgment, for you to have a light go off in you & that perhaps you'd change. I know now that is the stupidest thing I could think because you have no intentions of doing anything but staying as you are. As long as there's someone else to blame for 'your situation' you don't need to do anything, just continue to ridicule me & treat me like crap.

I stand to lose so much by leaving. I knew I shouldn't have gotten attached to another house - & I knew I shouldn't have told you that I was! Never to tell you of the things I loved because they become your target, your method to hurt me. That I learned a long time ago, but fell into the trap once more.

And I am also aware that living without my babies is going to break my heart once & for all. I cannot go anywhere that I could afford to have them with me. But that only drives my hatred for you deeper. I'm sure you're rejoicing in all this...'getting mine" as you constantly scream in my face.
You want to blame me for all of this, be my guest. I quite frankly don't care anymore. I have no control over how you feel & it dawned on me tonight that neither do you. Nor do you care as long as I'm around to shit kick.

But if I'm out of your way you can't hurt me any longer so I don't care what you think or blame or do. I'm sick of being unhappy - I'm sick of being apprehensive about opening my mouth for fear of setting you off. Nicer weather is coming & I will look for a place to live. This week I will try & find someone to help me out of this...who, I don't know yet, but that's no concern of yours either. All I know is I can't stand being hated as strongly as I am & I really don't deserve to be. I don't expect you to do anything but when I find out what I need to do I will have to involve you, which is what this email is for.

Greg's response the morning of Monday Feb 27, 2012 --

I know saying I’m sorry won’t help. I have been trying to get assistance from a doctor but have not been able to find anything locally. I am asking the company to help too. None of this is your fault and you do not deserve to be the target of my anger. I’m wound up tighter than a drum with constant headaches and fatigue and just feel lost (I am totally stressed and at the end of my rope). I don’t want to be like this and I don’t want to hurt you. I know you probably don’t believe that but it’s true. I’m messed up and I know it. I try to do things to keep my mind occupied but that doesn’t seem to work. I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I admit I need help and now. I just don’t know how to get it done. Getting treatment for cancer was simple. Getting treatment for this is much more difficult. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and not keep hurting people. I truly am sorry. But that’s not much consolation for the way you feel right now.

Try to enjoy your day with the guys.