Try and imagine what your life would be like - how you would feel about yourself and your future if you had someone telling you almost daily, sometimes more than once a day that they 'hated your fucking guts'? Not just telling you this, but actually screaming it in your face so loudly that your face was covered with spittle. Or screaming for you to 'fuck off' or to 'shut the fuck up' almost every time you tried to engage in any kind of conversation with them? Hard to imagine? Well, I don't have to imagine any of these things because this is what happens in my life and quite regularly. I am trying to see someone through depression but the person in question has no intentions of helping themselves or even admitting there's anything wrong with what he says and does.
What's worse is when I ask that he get help, or say I know he needs help, he assures me he doesn't. That there's not a damn thing wrong with him except me. He accuses me of "wanting him to be sick"…??? A very confusing deduction or a red herring to avoid doing anything? I don't know. I do know he's always needed something or someone to blame for what's wrong in his life, but it's never himself. He is always the victim of someTHING or someONE.
I do know he's had rational moments where he's admitted he needs help but as time goes by, as the years pass this happens less and less. It used to be that if he was mean and acted terrible he would feel remorse and apologize. Telling me he'd make up for it by buying me whatever I wanted. An act that has always baffled me to be sure. This was something else I never understood and never took him up on, feeling it would be too easy for him to feel the debt was paid. I only wanted an apology…one that was sincere and one that meant it was an end to the behavior. I never ever got that.
The very latest of these 'apologies' a loose term at best came on when he was physically abusive to me and broke my index finger by throwing me to the ground and kicking me. The next morning he went to work and then emailed me the following. Not exactly an apology but at least an admission that something had happened - that is rare with him these days. The following is a copy and paste of that email in answer to a message I'd given him. I will start with that message and then give his response.
To Greg:-
Every weekend, doesn't matter which day to you anymore, you cause some sort of disruption or get downright mean & nasty in the mornings & then take off. Then upon return, you waltz around either not talking to me, trying to reignite the fight or acting like nothing happened at all! It's gotten so I open my eyes in the morning, note that it's Saturday or Sunday & my heart thuds to the bottom of my chest with unhappiness. Weekend after weekend, month after month, year after year. It's getting really stale. I'm withdrawing my membership to this sick game.
I thought after your cancer scare, the ensuing battle, then good news of a clean bill of health that you'd want to turn a page. Begin a new chapter, or better...a new book...a sequel, maybe adopt a new attitude. Or at the very least, make a concerted effort to be pleasanter & not save it all for work or passers by. But what I didn't think about was that it would mean taking responsibility for your actions & I guess you're still not willing to do that. Obviously you've gone past a point where you don't even think you have to anymore. Your thinking is *I'll just act like nothing's happened & she'll have to accept that or damn well be ready for more of the same!*
I'm not sure just what kind of thrill you get out of all this - or what drives you to want to make those closest to you sad or unhappy. Or pissed off & hating you. Your mother blamed it on your back surgery - Bill blamed it on your grandfather allowing you to get away with it. I blame you because you're not a kid anymore & you should be taking full responsibility for right & wrong.
I thought after your cancer scare, the ensuing battle, then good news of a clean bill of health that you'd want to turn a page. Begin a new chapter, or better...a new book...a sequel, maybe adopt a new attitude. Or at the very least, make a concerted effort to be pleasanter & not save it all for work or passers by. But what I didn't think about was that it would mean taking responsibility for your actions & I guess you're still not willing to do that. Obviously you've gone past a point where you don't even think you have to anymore. Your thinking is *I'll just act like nothing's happened & she'll have to accept that or damn well be ready for more of the same!*
I'm not sure just what kind of thrill you get out of all this - or what drives you to want to make those closest to you sad or unhappy. Or pissed off & hating you. Your mother blamed it on your back surgery - Bill blamed it on your grandfather allowing you to get away with it. I blame you because you're not a kid anymore & you should be taking full responsibility for right & wrong.
What...why do you want to do what you do? Why would anyone deliberately want that or do that? All I know is that for as far back as Bill being a 15 year old kid, when he'd come to our place in tears, crying over you doing this, it's gone on. Ruining vacation trips, ruining dinners out or just plain ruining the day for everyone around you every chance you got! And then of course not even sticking around to see your handiwork. It's like emotional vandalism. Cruel & incredibly mean spirited! Does it make you proud... Have you ever asked yourself why you do this?
You constantly complain about things taking a shit, but Greg, you set it all in motion! Today you brought in a new wrinkle which sounded so stupid to my ears I couldn't imagine you even believing it..."my imaginary internet friends"? Where in hell are you going with this now? Would you like me to invite Christine & John here? I could. How about Wendi & Carol or Les & Brenda? They don't live that far from here. Are you suggesting now that my friends are now all figments of my imagination? So, aside from the ones you *have* met, do you think I'm sending myself Xmas cards and birthday cards then??
This is stupid - you look & you sound incredibly dumb carrying on with it all. You holler about everything - you scare the cats & I don't even know how to respond to you. I feel like I'm living in an insane asylum or with this badly behaved little brat who needs a hard kick in the ass & locked in his room til he clues in on how to treat others.
I remember a time when I looked SO forward to evenings & weekends, but sadly that wasn't with you because you always found a way of making it a tense situation or an out & out nasty fight. I used to love my evenings...loved them so much that I'd stay awake all night because I wanted them to last as long as possible & not to end. Same with weekends...weekends were sort of 'to be continued next week'. But you changed all that by bringing your version of "a relationship" to the arena.
I remember a time when I looked SO forward to evenings & weekends, but sadly that wasn't with you because you always found a way of making it a tense situation or an out & out nasty fight. I used to love my evenings...loved them so much that I'd stay awake all night because I wanted them to last as long as possible & not to end. Same with weekends...weekends were sort of 'to be continued next week'. But you changed all that by bringing your version of "a relationship" to the arena.
This past 4 months I have been working on a new blog - a personal one which I'm laying out events of my/our life, & as I'm working on it, like so many people who start autobiographies, I am saddened & often disgusted at some of the stuff I'm remembering. My blog is private shared only with my friends but it's chronicled things as they've happened & I have uploaded pictures & audio recordings.
You don't want to change, or feel you don't have to change... you can't bring yourself to apologize or don't even feel that one's necessary. Well, that's fine, but I'm not just going to smile & go all warm & fuzzy when you put on some goofy face & start chattering away about what's next on your agenda. In fact at the rate our "marriage" is degrading, I don't even know why you're doing all the finishing touches on the house?
None of it is going to concern me any longer because I came to the realization tonight that I absolutely can not take this anymore. As I said before...you've won. But if you think it's okay to save all your vitriol for home & me, then I will not hesitate in sharing the link with people or the friends who *think* they know you. You want to play this game, then fine, I will play by your rules...I've lost pretty much everything anyway, so if I'm going to have to start over then I will at least start over with some satisfaction.
You don't want to change, or feel you don't have to change... you can't bring yourself to apologize or don't even feel that one's necessary. Well, that's fine, but I'm not just going to smile & go all warm & fuzzy when you put on some goofy face & start chattering away about what's next on your agenda. In fact at the rate our "marriage" is degrading, I don't even know why you're doing all the finishing touches on the house?
None of it is going to concern me any longer because I came to the realization tonight that I absolutely can not take this anymore. As I said before...you've won. But if you think it's okay to save all your vitriol for home & me, then I will not hesitate in sharing the link with people or the friends who *think* they know you. You want to play this game, then fine, I will play by your rules...I've lost pretty much everything anyway, so if I'm going to have to start over then I will at least start over with some satisfaction.
Greg's response:-
I read yoir message and don't disagree with any of your comments. I am sad and angry at the whole world because I feel very lost and alone. Here's one for you; when I got cancer I thought it was the answer to my prayers. I thought maybe I would I die and it would finally be over! Pretty pathetic eh!
Everything you have said or thought about me over the years, I've come to realize, is in some ways true. I am mean and angry but not at you. I am angry at everthing and about everything. I have no patience for anything. I don't care about a whole lot and I pretty much have a negative outlook on everything. I see nothing to be happy about, I see nothing to look forward to and I've pretty much given up. I try to take my mind off the situation by doing things here and there but even that's getting harder to do.
I have said to you over and over that this is not about you. It's about me an my disjointed outlook on life. You have said many things to me and sent me many articles to read and to be quite honest I could be a poster child for many of those articles. I don't like the way I feel and I don't like the way I think. I'm not really in denile because I know I'm an asshole even though I try very hard not to be. But I've got to stop pretending it's all okay because it's not.
You don't deserve this. You have been my companion for a lot of years but because of what I have finally become, all that has gone and can never be recovered. I keep wishing I would die so all this pain and confusion would finally go away. I don't have the guts to end it, so here I am existing for the sake of existing!
What really makes me angry the most is how this has affected you over the years. I have been through two tough ordeals in my life; your stroke and my cancer and it still hasn't brought me back to reality. Do you want to hear something really sad; I didn't cry when my mother died. I felt little sadness but was happy that she would finally be back with dad. There really is something wrong with me when I lack any emotion from my mom's death. That really bugs the hell out of me.
So where do I go from here? Who the hell knows. But one thing I do know is I will not spend the rest of my life making people unhappy and being the mean nasty asshole I am.
Everything you have said or thought about me over the years, I've come to realize, is in some ways true. I am mean and angry but not at you. I am angry at everthing and about everything. I have no patience for anything. I don't care about a whole lot and I pretty much have a negative outlook on everything. I see nothing to be happy about, I see nothing to look forward to and I've pretty much given up. I try to take my mind off the situation by doing things here and there but even that's getting harder to do.
I have said to you over and over that this is not about you. It's about me an my disjointed outlook on life. You have said many things to me and sent me many articles to read and to be quite honest I could be a poster child for many of those articles. I don't like the way I feel and I don't like the way I think. I'm not really in denile because I know I'm an asshole even though I try very hard not to be. But I've got to stop pretending it's all okay because it's not.
You don't deserve this. You have been my companion for a lot of years but because of what I have finally become, all that has gone and can never be recovered. I keep wishing I would die so all this pain and confusion would finally go away. I don't have the guts to end it, so here I am existing for the sake of existing!
What really makes me angry the most is how this has affected you over the years. I have been through two tough ordeals in my life; your stroke and my cancer and it still hasn't brought me back to reality. Do you want to hear something really sad; I didn't cry when my mother died. I felt little sadness but was happy that she would finally be back with dad. There really is something wrong with me when I lack any emotion from my mom's death. That really bugs the hell out of me.
So where do I go from here? Who the hell knows. But one thing I do know is I will not spend the rest of my life making people unhappy and being the mean nasty asshole I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment